i miss you.

I’ve been going back and forth between what I should and should not do..and I hate that making decisions is getting so much harder for me. and especially at times like these, I really wish my brother were still here, so that he’d tell me if what I was doing was stupid or if he supported me in my choices. I was pretty young when he left and as a twelve-year-old then, I didn’t really have anything big I had to worry about. but as every year goes by..it gets so much harder not having him here with me, with us. and I know he’s always in our hearts and that will never ever change, but I just wish that he can be here physically..it’s not fair really..but if there’s anything life has taught me, it’s that it’s not fair. these past six years I’ve been trying to stay strong for my mom and for my brother. on the outside, it seemed evident to everyone else that I was able to move past all that has happened because I smiled SO much, but that was the easy part. I’m eighteen now, but I feel like the pain that was caused six years ago emanates in me so much stronger now.. I’m not sure if it’s the fact that I really do need someone here with me to help take care of mom or that I was too young to really hurt this hard, and this much. 

if you guys know any support groups for those who’ve lost a sibling, please let me know :) it hasn’t really worked in the past because I wasn’t open enough to talk about it, but I think I’m ready and I’m really sure I need it 

she’s one of my besterest friends, one that I can talk to about absolutely anything & everything. she’s three years younger, but to what extent does it even matter? she understands. she’s an absolute sweetheart and I couldn’t be any more grateful for Ms. Cobian pairing her as my little sister during senior year of dances. 
to Meg: you’re beautiful, no matter what you say! you have such a hugeeeeeeeeeeeeeee heart :) you’re too sweet for ANYONE. I know things are difficult and sometimes it seems like hope is sort of..lost, but always have faith! your smile’s too great to be hidden! 

ps. I will trample him. 

she’s one of my besterest friends, one that I can talk to about absolutely anything & everything. she’s three years younger, but to what extent does it even matter? she understands. she’s an absolute sweetheart and I couldn’t be any more grateful for Ms. Cobian pairing her as my little sister during senior year of dances. 

to Meg: you’re beautiful, no matter what you say! you have such a hugeeeeeeeeeeeeeee heart :) you’re too sweet for ANYONE. I know things are difficult and sometimes it seems like hope is sort of..lost, but always have faith! your smile’s too great to be hidden! 

ps. I will trample him. 

(Source: shhitsmeg)

to be honest,

I’m kindof tired of crying myself to sleep. I suppose the only plausible explanation as to why I don’t in the daytime..is the fact that I drain it all out, I block it all - every bad thing that’s ever happened, every bad thought, feeling, and image I choose to not think about. and then bam! it all hits like a massive wind, leaving me to my pitiful attempts to stop myself and not let anyone else hear. too much has happened..and sometimes I feel like it’s a never-ending cycle, stability in my life has always been rare and at every point of my “growing up,” another something would happen and there I was again asking myself “why?” 

I guess to be quite frank..nearly everyone who I’ve ever known knows my smile and my inability to refrain from laughing most of the time. I’m not trying to say I’m two-faced, but it was always much easier to mask the other side. there were always things I’d fear when opening up A LOT to someone: would they understand? and more importantly - it wouldn’t be fair to unload that much information on them. a burden was something I didn’t want to be, so of course, it’s always a lot less painful to just put on a happy face and move along, because everyone has their own worries to deal with. 

I don’t really know where this is going.. and I don’t know if I make any sense, but I just felt I needed this for myself. being bottled up isn’t exactly healthy, but I’m afraid to cry in front of others, especially those closest to me. odd? yes. there are parts of me I will never understand. 

dear love,

remember those random hi’s in sophomore, junior, and senior year? (because you were too cool to talk to me during our freshie days ;) they’d made me lowkey giddy. HAHAHA, but I was sure you wouldn’t like me back so I laid back, but sure enough & in time, you grew more and more on me - though I told myself after junior year that I wanted to stay single through the rest of high school to avoid the possibility of getting hurt..again. I guess you can say I guarded myself, yet somehow you charmed your way into my heart. remember that night we talked about eloping to Canada so we can get away? remember how it led to our long conversations and our first date? those butterflies were fantastic. the view was spectacular. the movie remains as one of our topfavorites (among the 100 we’ve probably watched ahahha). remember when I first met your mom before our walk? that was realllyyyy cute! remember when you asked me to be your girlfriend? I had NO idea and the slipping of the ring on my finger was very well planned (have to give you that one :) remember the mixtapes and cookies I baked on our anniversaries? (they were Pillsbury premade dough :D :P) remember how you asked me to prom during dances? you had Meg pretend to be sick and got Jazz to ask me to take a look at something, and being as naive as me..I bought it! and there you stood, with a large poster held by Bri & Char and a dozen of beautiful red roses :) I couldn’t thank you and the girls enough for helping with the promqueencampaign, and I’ll always remember that look you gave me when I somehow..won. remember the very many walks, the sneaking out, the sleepovers at our houses, the venturing to find a favorite restaurant, the phone calls? remember when we first said “I love you”? it came soon, fast, and sudden, but it felt so natural, effortless actually. love to me, was something I didn’t declare if I didn’t really mean it. remember taking Anthony to the zoo? how you carried him when he was too tired? (he zoo-ed himself all the way to sleep in the car  :P) remember the most adventurous summer? our Disneyland trip with Jackie?! (he had TOOOO much fun, hahahhaa)  remember when you ran over 5 miles to my house with a duffel bag while texting me when your clutch broke? (sweaty Jets shirt!) 

high school was great, but the ride after that was just as, if not more, amazing. spending every day with you has been a blessing. thanks for sharing your life with me, your family - mama&pops, your sisters, Anthony, and grandma (and the cousins&uncles&aunts I’ve met) they’ve been really really sweet :) thanks for being my better other half - for always caring, TAKING care, comforting, being there for both me & my mama & jackie), for lending me a shoulder to cry on when I’d have breakdowns about missing my brother, for helping me with anything&everything, for the many things you do for me buticantnamethemall. despite what you think, I need you just as much, if not more, as you need me. I know the past haunts the both of us in ugly ways, but we’re moving on. it doesn’t matter because there will always be someone or something that WILL interfere in a relationship (and that’s true for nearly every couple). it’s you & me, as you say “against the world” with our families & our many pets. hahaha 

it’s a bit ironic how..in the beginning, we’d always say how it felt as if we’ve been together for a long (but good) time, but now as more months go by..we say it feels like it’s only been a little while, and it’s gotten to the point where we need a 30 hour day because the regular isn’t enough hahahha. you’re so cute, and beautiful, especially (inside&out) thanks for putting up with my psycho-ness sometimes HAHA girls will be girls. 

and finally, remember that I love you. always! I fall for you even more every day (CHEESY/CORNY, yes, but also very true) thanks for keeping a smile on my face & my heart. 

<3

with all my love, 

Becca 

well said. 

well said. 

(Source: petrovasqueen, via booitsterima)

SMH at girls who throw themselves at guys, especially those with girlfriends. they need a dose of self-respect because that shit’s demeaning.

Meri: That just shows how low class they are. Don’t worry sweetie, they will always probably be at the bottom of the food chain ♥

she knows what’s upppp. 

;)

Tags: just saying.

shika32 asked: Just a few things:

1. I Miss You

2. Whoever these stupid people are talking shit to you need to get a life & worry about something else other than trying to get in the middle of you & your boyfriend's relationship.

3. If they keep messing with you, let me know. I'll tell my brother, he won't hesitate to go step on them. Lol.

4. You are a beautiful, strong young lady who is going to do great things in life. Your brother would be so proud of you & I know that he's watching over you smiling down on his little sister who's all grown up now. You have an army of people looking out for you no matter what. We all love you & are glad to see you finally happy.

That is all.

:-)

1) I miss you more!

2) seriously, right? 

3) ahahahhahah aww sounds like a plan! 

4) <3333 thank you so much Shika! I love you very much ^_^

ffffaaiizannn asked: HI BECCAAAAA :D

HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII FAIZANNNNNNNNN

kimst-deactivated20110920 asked: What was that little boy's name? I think I know someone who knows someone that can get on that shit. And the girl's name too please. I will personally deck the bitch out of her. Be strong Rebecca. You know internet bitches will never do shit. Chin up <3 You have SO many people who got your back.

ahahhahaha I LOVE YOU JENN! they don’t matter, non-existant actually :) she threatened to kick my ass. ^_____^ & thank youuuu, you’re a sweetheart! 

saraahjay-deactivated20110919 asked: I can't believe people who could talk so badly to you. You're the sweetest girl, and you're strong. Those who think differently, are wrong. Keep your head up Becca, because I know, a lot of people love and care for you, and are always there to support you. Btw, I miss you!

awwww thanks a bunch Sarah! I miss you tooooo<333