beccabeccabecca

to be honest,

I’m kindof tired of crying myself to sleep. I suppose the only plausible explanation as to why I don’t in the daytime..is the fact that I drain it all out, I block it all - every bad thing that’s ever happened, every bad thought, feeling, and image I choose to not think about. and then bam! it all hits like a massive wind, leaving me to my pitiful attempts to stop myself and not let anyone else hear. too much has happened..and sometimes I feel like it’s a never-ending cycle, stability in my life has always been rare and at every point of my “growing up,” another something would happen and there I was again asking myself “why?” 

I guess to be quite frank..nearly everyone who I’ve ever known knows my smile and my inability to refrain from laughing most of the time. I’m not trying to say I’m two-faced, but it was always much easier to mask the other side. there were always things I’d fear when opening up A LOT to someone: would they understand? and more importantly - it wouldn’t be fair to unload that much information on them. a burden was something I didn’t want to be, so of course, it’s always a lot less painful to just put on a happy face and move along, because everyone has their own worries to deal with. 

I don’t really know where this is going.. and I don’t know if I make any sense, but I just felt I needed this for myself. being bottled up isn’t exactly healthy, but I’m afraid to cry in front of others, especially those closest to me. odd? yes. there are parts of me I will never understand. 

  1. shika32 said: I completely understand where you’re coming from. The past few months I’ve felt the same way. Sometimes you need a shoulder to cry on but don’t want to feel like a burden to anyone. If you ever want someone to talk to, I’m always here to listen. :-)
  2. beccaly posted this